Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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