you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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