My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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