Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
