So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
