i jhust puked up my retainher.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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