She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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