also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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