i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
