I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
