God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
