I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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