Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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