He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
