I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
