i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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