are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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