Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
