I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
