My brain says no but my pants say off.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
