and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
