Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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