My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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