I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
BRING THE BAGELS
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
