I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
