Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
