some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
