he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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