i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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