I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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