it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
