Can Purell be used as lube?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
