a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
