On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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