I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
