i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
