My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
