She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
