i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
These tits shall not be calmed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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