She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
