don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
