i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
