Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
