I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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