I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i think i have herpe
just one?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
