I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Text me some of your sweat
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
