My liver just broke up with me...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
