I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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