pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
