Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
