shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
